snapping, but not like a turtle

There’s a very destructive cycle that wraps around my relationship with bigR. I have obvious and serious anger issues, and often (OK always) snap far too quickly when the little dude is not acting quite right. Trouble is, he snaps just as quickly, which causes me to snap even quicker, which causes him to — see how obvious?

He’s three, he’s temperamental, I understand that. I’m thirty, I’m cranky, I understand that, as well. But that should place me with the advantage, right? I know I’m anger prone and short-tempered, and I understand his stage in life. bigR just knows I’m daddy, and everything I do, he does.

It’s just too bad he’s such an attentive observer and an uncanny imitator.

calm

The house is quiet, the children are bathed and bedded down, I am ready for sleep.

The shame of the day’s unchecked anger hits me once again.

I hope I figure this all out.  Soon.

headaches, medication, anger, etc.

Today’s been rough. Steadily worse. A battle to control my anger, as my fuse burns shorter and shorter. I’m almost too tense to write - it’s amazing how distracting such frustration can be.

So what’s got me upset? The usual. Noise, headaches, sinus trouble, bigR’s attitude, littleR’s perfectly-pitched cries, work. You’d think after all this time I’d have learned to deal with it all and just relax, but I can’t. The worst of it is, after wrangling a free day off work for my nonsectomy, I slept for eleven hours last night. That’s like, unheard of. Seems the longer I sleep the worse I wake up feeling. That’s not right.

I should be on my way to the airport to pick up my mother right now, but her flight is having numerous problems, which is unsurprising. She is flying out here on a free ticket she received for her last flight having problems. Looks to be no different this time around. So, if you’d like to purchase just one ticket to Hawaii, then receive a free ticket every time you want to come back, fly ATA. This seems to be their standard practice.

Let’s get back to this headache; this thing will just NOT go away. As you may know I was recently prescribed Tramadol
for my migraines. So far we are swinging 0 for 2 on its effectiveness. After giving up on the drugs for the day, I turned to my Anti-Drug: alcohol. Guinness #1 went down nice and smooth with dinner; #2 is even better as I write this.

Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.

// This post can also be seen on theDaddyProject.org

getting over the hump

I swear I used to be a pretty good writer. I think I peaked just before coming home from Iraq, last October. I think long-term lack of sleep has something to do with this. Truth be told, I got way more sleep in War than I ever did (& do) at Home. I run a steady four to six hours a night, and that’s pretty much been the norm for most of the last decade. Sure, there are some good nights in there, but not enough to fully recover from a week of in-bed-at-midnight-and-up-for-work-at-4AM.

I recently saw a neurologist to help explain some bright spots on my brain and minor slips in my cognitive ability lately. (Don’t ever do your own web research on any symptoms you have for anything - I was scared shitless for weeks because I had convinced myself I had MS.) There were, indeed, bright spots, but they were small, and around the outside edges. Migraines were the likely culprit, due largely to long-term high blood pressure, due largely to lack of sleep and excessive stress.

Wait, where am I going with this? Ah, right, my writing.

Fifteen months stuck in the desert of northern Iraq was just the place I needed to realize my creative powers. Regular and frequent writings lead to better style, sharper wit, and more engaging dialog. And there’s no denying the creative push of ANGER. Lots and lots of anger.

But now I’m home. I’m safe, I’m happy. The anger is still there; I’ve found it terribly difficult to get rid of. Trouble is it doesn’t have much of a target anymore, so I just find myself a little angry at a whole lot of things. I’m working on it.

Ok, now that we’re coming to a close on my Thesis of Incohesive Thought Processes, I almost want to do something I know I shouldn’t. Two steps in I feel I should defend myself and apologize for the quality of my work. I want to, but I’m not going to.

Instead I’ll have some tea. And I will do my best not to melt my mug in the process.

Stay tuned; better things to come.

[EDIT: I have such trouble focusing my attention I don't even remember what that subject line has to do with ... what hump?]

// This post can also be viewed on theDaddyProject.org

the obligatory vasectomy pre-story

It hasn’t happened yet - fortyish hours and counting - but I had my vasectomy “pre-screening” / Q&A session last Monday. Highlights include my stifling a laugh when the doc said “balls” and Gross Wife’s suggestion we store a sample in a plastic baggie in our own freezer. Gross.

We’ve discussed our decision pretty thoroughly and are satisfied with our wanting to 1) be able to continue to afford having children and 2) keep our carbon footprint just the size it is now.

So Monday afternoon, we do the deed. My mother is visiting next week as well, so it’s a good enough time to wrangle a few free days off work for us to lounge around the house.

// This post can also be viewed on theDaddyProject.org

the world crying record

Last night was a rough one. I had been overworked all week, getting little sleep, as usual. Friday was a day off, but we were still up pretty early and out of the house to hike up to Waimea Falls. I have 24-hour Duty today (Saturday), so the plan was to call it an early night and finally get some good sleep.

All was running according to plan; littleR had just whined herself to sleep, and bigR was on his way to lay down with me and read a story. Then, at 8:34 PM, bigR entered his little sister’s room, made some horrible noise for no reason at all, and awoke littleR. The crying fit that ensued lasted for two full hours before I stopped watching the clock, still laying awake. The ordeal concluded around … dawn?

I hopped out of bed a handful of times to offer my assistance to Exhausted Wife, but she assured me there was nothing I could do and I should really try to get some more sleep. I obliged, and after floating through some very bizarre dreams for another few hours, awoke two minutes before my alarm clock at 7:13 AM.

While I am told littleR went to sleep without incident tonight, I am still awake, eleven hours left to go on this cursed 24-hour shift. (The Army has screwed me out of a full weekend for a solid five weeks now. Fed Up Wife commented I might as well be deployed again - at least we’d be getting paid more for my prolonged absence.)

// This post can also be viewed on theDaddyProject.org

showtime

Man, you know you’re an aging parent when you hear Eddie Murphy’s voice and assume someone is watching Shrek or Mulan, when in fact it is Showtime. I don’t really make it to the movies very often.

// This post can also be viewed on theDaddyProject.org

oh, shut the hell up, ya softie

[The following tip was written after reviewing a half-dozen draft posts that may as well have been written by Elliott Smith.]

Parenting Blog Tip #342: Quit being so fucking introspective and epiphanicratic and whiny and start talking about what’s going on in real life, not in your head. Less “man I finally figured it out” and more “holyfuckthisistheworsttantrumever!” Nobody wants to hear you whine like a little girl. This is a daddyblog, not a girlyblog. Grow up, douchetard.

// This post can also be viewed on theDaddyProject.org